there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
