omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Text me some of your sweat
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
