i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
