I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
