You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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