At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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