You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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