dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
