So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just want nice things and good sex
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
