I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
