I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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