just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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