do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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