just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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