I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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