if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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