wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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