Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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