I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
