White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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