Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
