So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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