I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
