My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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