If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
