I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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