She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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