youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dignity is for republicans.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
