How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
