TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
