we have officially lost it.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
