and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
