Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
