i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
a search helicopter?!
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
