Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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