I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
