I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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