You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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