so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You are the jesus of drinking
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
