how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Well I just put wine in my tea
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
