Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
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