Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
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