My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
