He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I did not marry a roomba.
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