When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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