Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
