I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
A+ Viking dick
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
