my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
