I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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