I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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